Let Life Happen

Life is brutal. As much as I want it to be sunshine and rainbows – let’s face it: It’s not. You can do all you can, and still, then life is going to slap you around. Sometimes – you just have to let life happen.

I learned this the hard way – and want to share the story with you to hopefully help you to let life happen when you need it.

In 2014, My wife and I had our first child – the most perfect little baby boy that you could ever imagine. 

Fatherhood is the most amazing experience in the entire world. It is hard to explain what fatherhood means to me. But I knew when I had my son – I wanted to start a daddy blog. But this daddy blog story didn’t start at the birth of my son. It started the year before. 

2013. The year that changed my life in more ways than I ever could have thought. I am a big believer in controlling your own destiny and living life on your own terms – not letting anything else get in the way. But in 2013 – I learned a valuable lesson of letting life happen – when outside of your control. 

Let Life Happen

In August of 2013, 4 days before my 29th birthday, I arrived home from work, like any other normal day. My wife and I sat down to enjoy our dinner like we always do. Starving and exhausted from the day, I was looking forward to enjoying the meal like I always did. Right before I was about to take a bite, my wife jumped up and said “I’ll be right back” and ran downstairs. I set my fork down, a little pissed off honestly, and waited for her to return. She sat down and told me my birthday present came early and set a bag on the table. Still starving, I asked if I can open it after dinner, she said OK a little dejected, and sat back down, only to pop right back up and say “No open it now”. Setting my fork down, now even a little more pissed off, I opened the gift, thinking it is only my 29th birthday – what could be so special I have to open now – did she get me a live animal or something? Opened up the card, which revealed something that made my heart skip a beat:

2 positive pregnancy test.

My wife and I were successful the first month we got serious about having kids and I was more than excited. I believe I jumped, kissed, cried, jumped more, and there may have been a little bit of a happy dance thrown in there. Once my excitement wore down, I apologized to my wife for being such an asshole. We were more than excited about our future.

After waiting what seemed like an eternity, we finally hit 8 weeks along and ready to take a peek of our beautiful little baby. I took the day off of work and my excitement was more than anything I have ever felt. Like a giddy kid on Christmas. We went into the room, my wife had some blood work done, an exam and we waited for the doctor to do the sonogram. As we got started with the sonogram, I was staring at the TV monitor, on the edge of my seat, waiting to see my beautiful little peanut which was supposed to be safe and warm and growing like a weed.

I waited and waited and waited – nothing. There was something there, but it was not an 8 week old beautiful little baby with a strong heartbeat. The next words I heard, I will never get out of my head. “I am so sorry guys but I think you had a missed miscarriage”. Our pregnancy miscarried at 6 weeks. My heart sank to such a low that I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so down. 

My wife – who is the strongest person I have ever met and this only established that fact further – laid there stunned. The doctor left and I ask my wife if she is OK – she said she is fine. We signed out and walked out down the hall and I had another moment I will never get out of my head. I put my arm around my wife to hold her and she looked up and had tears welling up in her eyes. We got home, had some lunch and my wife went to go meet a friend for a walk. I walked downstairs to my office, put my headphones, and the song “don’t worry child” by Swedish house mafia was on. It happens to be at the part that shouts:

My father said, Don’t you worry, don’t you worry, child. See heaven’s got a plan for you.

I put my hands in my face and completely lost it while that song was playing. I never got the chance to tell my baby it is going to be OK. I never had the chance to tell it not to worry. Never had the chance to protect it. Never had the chance… 

Over the next few weeks, my wife and I went through a roller coaster of emotions. We both we in a very bad mindset, and we felt it triggered other things in our life. This wasn’t supposed to happen to us. Why did we get the miscarriage? There are dead beats and crack addicts that have beautiful babies. We waited for the best time to get pregnant, making sure we could give a baby the best life possible. We planned, we executed our plan to our the fullest extent – even getting pregnant our very first month trying.

And WE were the ones to lose it? WE were the ones who had to fight back tears every single time we talk about it. WE had to be the ones who had to go tell our future grandparents that they actually are not having their first grandchild like we told them.WHY US??

This took a mental toll on me. My mind wasn’t where it usually is. I have executed the plan of my life in such perfection, I couldn’t come to grips with the fact that this isn’t in my plan and felt like my world was dropping around me. 

It also took a heavy toll on my wife. My wife is not a que sera sera (what will be will be) type of person. She goes through life making sure that everything happens exactly within her control (one of the many reasons I love her). And there was absolutely NOTHING she could do about this. No test to predict it. No other measures she could have taken. She doesn’t drink alcohol. Doesn’t smoke. She doesn’t even drink caffeine. She is healthy. She took the right prenatal vitamins. And she was the one who had a miscarriage. I couldn’t even imagine that type of guilt that she had to try to deal with – and believe me – we dealt with the grief and the guilt. 

As time went on, like everything else in life, the pain subsided and we got stronger. After many nights of talking, crying and deep conversation, we both realized that it was out of our control as much as we hated to admit that. There was NOTHING we could do. Nothing. And that still bugs us, but we have to accept that. 

In life – do all you can. Be relentless about what you want, and don’t ever let anyone tell you that you CAN’T have something or CAN’T do something or you CAN’T be something. You can do anything with enough dedication, hustle, and fearlessness. But know that there are still some factors that you cannot control. Let it happen. Just let it be. 

So many people (my wife and I included) want to control every single aspect of life. You can’t control everything. The only thing you can really control is what YOU do. How hard YOU work. and the preparation and thought that YOU give something. You can do everything in the world possible to do something the right way or the way according to your plan, and life may still find a way to shove you down and say “NO – NOT THIS TIME SORRY”.

Let it happen

Let life come and make it what it will of you. Yes – bad things will happen. Be sad & disappointed when they do. But only long enough to feel that human emotion. Then get up and push forward. And push and push and push until you get what you want. Life WILL get better. It may not be now. It may not be tomorrow. And it may actually get worse before it gets better. But know that whatever happens, you are strong enough to overcome. 

Thank you for letting me share this store with you. The miscarriage was one of the hardest things I ever went through, and I have been through some tough stuff. This experience tops them all. And if you read this when you are at the bottom of something and get the inspiration needed to know that you can overcome it and it can get better, then pouring my heart out here is worth it (writing this actually provoked all the emotions yet again – not sure if I will ever lose that). 

If you landed here and are going through a miscarriage, especially your first one, although I don’t think they would ever get easier, I feel the need to add a note to you. I can’t speak for women, but for you men trying to find a way to cope, here is my advice: Hold your wife. Lover her more than you ever think you can. As hard as it is for you, she had a connection with the baby that we will never experience. You need to be her rock. You need to be her stronghold. You need to make sure that she knows life is going to be OK, and this too shall page and you will be stronger because of it. She is looking for you for the strength to get her through, make sure to give it to her. But grieve. Go out with your best buddy and tell them the story. Tell them the feelings you have. They won’t get it. They won’t understand what you are going through but you need it. And no matter what comes next – whether you are successful trying or struggle awhile longer if you and your significant other tackle it head-on hand in hand, there ain’t nothing that can shake you although life will try. Show life it can’t push you around, and you will get up every single time.