Life Is Suffering

I started this site back in 2020 before the world turned into a new world. I was tired of being sick and tired and fat, so I started working out again.

And with a background in health and fitness, and a passion in personal development, I was going to help others to do the same because I was going to get these INSANE results. I was going to share my knowledge with the world. I was going to be the guy that official gets rid of the dad bod.

Then 2020 happen. And I stayed fat.

Then 2021 rolled in, and I was going to get it again. But I stayed fat.

Then 2022 rolled in – this is it. This is my year. Watch out world – here comes the 6 pack!

Yeah – I don’t think so. Same ol sh*t.

So finally – 2023 rolled around and I was finally fed up with life. Like all aspects of it.

I was living a still life.

Year after year – I was STILL.

STILL overweight.

STILL out of shape.

STILL making the same money.

STILL at the same level of relationship with my wife.

STILL the same dad.

STILL on the same level of my work.

STILL frustrated. STILL dreaming. STILL wishing. STILL hoping there is a better life for me.

And I was so fed up with it. Like to the point I couldn’t sleep. I can’t tell you exactly what exactly flipped in my mind this time – there wasn’t a straw to break the camels back – except for maybe me actually taking this shit seriously for the first time in my life.

This was all early december. I was ready to go come 1/1. Dedicated. Passionate.

Then here comes 2023 – and you know what happened? I actually did it.

I got in the gym. I actually started pushing heavy weights for the first time in nearly a decade. I subscribed to Carbon app to help with my calorie management. I quit drinking alcohol. I shopped for myself. I was in control on by diet. I was hitting cardio 5x days a week. Diet was on point. Gym was on point. Mindset was on point. I was actually doing it.

Pounds were flying off. I started at 204 and 4 weeks into I was 195. But I was starting to build muscle. I no longer had a double chin. Work was paying off so much people were starting to notice. I was at my son’s baseball tryouts and I had a guy I know who is a beast of a human being ask me if I am losing weight and that I am starting to fill out a shirt. It was a huge compliment from him.

Confidence was through roof. I planned a date with my wife to see Niko Moon at a small venue here in San Diego. I went out and bought a new outfit – skinny jeans (I have never been a skinny jean guy), plain tee shirt and a bomber jacket. The wife noticed. I actually even bought cologne to wear – like who am I?

This is it. This is the year I change. Success breeds success and I am flying high. Since I was off the booze my sleep was on point. I was recovering the way I needed to. Hitting the gym every morning pushing more and more weight. Getting the right supplements. Macros were perfect nearly everyday. I was going to restraunts and ordering food the way I needed it to be cooked. I am researching ahead of time and know exactly what I was going to get. Extra time was spend reading about relationships, mindset, growth instead of looking down the end of a bottle. I am flying high and hitting everying I wanted to. I am on my way.

Then Feburary 5th hit. I get a text from a dear friend of mine for over 20 years:

Guys, I don’t know how else to tell you this, but Staci died yesterday. There was an accident a week where she hit her head. She’d been in the hospital all week and looked to be recovering, but started taking a turn for the worst on Thursday. I lost the love of my life at 4pm yesterday. The girls and I are devastated.

I stood there. Just staring at it. My wife was also on the text, and I hear here running out

That’s not real, right?

I looked at her. Look at the message.

Matt is one of my longest friends. Staci was his beautiful wife – just a shining light to the world. They have 2 daughters – just as beautiful as Staci – the same age as my boys. We saw them just 3 weeks earlier.

I was stunned. Actually – I am stunned still.

And I decided that it would be a good idea to go out and get one of Staci’s favorite beers and pour one back in her honor. So I did. Racer 5 IPA. After 36 days no booze, and missing a dear friend, it was an amazing beer.

But it put me down an unhealthy path. I couldn’t cope with everything.

That isn’t true. I didn’t know how to cope so I went back to my old ways of coping. Booze.

Booze turned into rough mornings. Turned into shitty workouts. Turned into poor diet. Turned into shitty sleep. Turned into no more cardio. Turned into back to 204 within 2 weeks.

I honestly don’t know what I am telling the world all this. Except for the fact that maybe I actually want to be real on this site for once and not post the same old motivational shit that we all hear everyday. Maybe not post a fitness site though the lens that “Hey – look at me – everythign is awesome and you can be too”.

Life is a struggle. And a rough one at that. We all have high hopes and aspirations – big goals we want to accomplish. But we stil year after year after year being the SAME person – being the STILL person. Still broke. Still fat. Still mad.

Then – just went we finally get the momentum that we have been waiting YEARS to get. Just when we start getting our stride. Just went we find our way – life comes and serves up another gut wrenching loss that makes it hard to do anything else but contemplate the cruel world we live in.

One of your dearest friends just lost his wife and the mother of his kids – how can you not think that the world is a fucked up place and ponder why you do the shit you do – and what is the actual point of anything.

But like an onion – there are layers to be peeled back. You just have to keep peeling until you find the layer that is meaningful to you.

So here I am – 17 days sober again. Back in the gym. Back on the diet. Back getting the results.

Will I fall off the wagon again? Yeah – I could almost bet money on that. Because life is a cruel bitch. Life is suffering. It will shake you to your core just to test your will.

And you will fall off. Maybe for an hour. Maybe for a day. Maybe for 5 weeks. Maybe for 5 years.

But as long as you are breathing – you have a chance to get back on it. As long as you can put your feet on the earth – you can take on the day. As long as you can feel the warmth of the sun on your skin – you can get back at it.

I honestly have no idea why I wrote this, how I wrote this, or who needs to hear this. It quite literally just came out of me. But maybe that is the point. I have always wanted to get back to writing on this site in a more real way, not just a way that gets readers to the site. Maybe this was it. Maybe no one will ever read it. Regardless – I think I needed this post more than anyone.

To your health.